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Surrender

21 x 29.7 cm / 8.2‘‘ x 11.7‘‘ inches -  Ink and Watercolour on Watercolour Paper

I don't see it, yet.
A life that includes others on a deep level. On a level that is undeniable, unshakeable and shared. My eyes wander to a man holding a tiny baby. Next to him the grand parents. Close. Where is the mother? She is several steps behind. The last one, pushing the baby trolly while staring and typing into a mobile phone. What a strange scene to watch. Have we as women lost our touch to who we are? Shaming caring for our babies, for our family?
Next scene. I am confronted with a situation I knew was not right. It made me sick till the words were spoken out and I was sent away to then witness the outcome that I predicted and shared. There are so many ways to many situations. The ones that are loud are a lie. The calm and whispered ones show actually the way and it is hard to not yell back when you are yelled at by loud thoughts. This feels nice and calm. How long have I ignored the authentic truth of life being written down and spoken out? All along the whispers have been constant, calm and everlasting. The whispers of family and wise knowledge from above or within. The calm voice.
Once, in the past, a love left. I attached it to everything in my life. First growth, then it all died into truth. Was it a mistake? Never! It was all written. A goodbye written from the start, practiced many times. What do I know if I truly saw the reasons why but it did change me. Did it change me into something better? Maybe, or maybe not but it did change me so much that I can not see who I am now. I am new and I do not know that version of myself. It is different. Sometimes trying the old ways to just experience that they do not work anymore. Standing still and looking around. Learning new skill and looking around. Meeting new people and looking around. Growing older and looking around. Listening to new and old music and looking around. Looking around like when I was very young waiting to be picked up. I know what grew out of it. Independence  and disconnection to being a child. I became my own parent pretending to be fine while being fine at the same time. A life of contradictions. A life of movement and a life of relating without a shared ship.

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